I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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