drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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