so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
