I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
