Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
