I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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