I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
