After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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