I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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