Can i not drive my cunt home
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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