No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
There r osticjed everywhere
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I want to be your penis for a week.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
