I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
