How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
