Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
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