If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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