nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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