Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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