I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
