God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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