She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
