After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
