I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
