my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Randomize
