I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
