If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
