I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
