Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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