i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
