We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
