you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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