On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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