Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
