A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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