Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
