69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
