I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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