I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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