I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
