Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
