you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
