You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
