My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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