Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You smell like stripper and shame
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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