On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
