whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
