My room smells like vodka and shame
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
