Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
