Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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