It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
