Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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